"He's just one of those people you meet and you just look at him and think 'I can tell you are such a good guy'... in fact, he is just so sweet and innocent looking, I think he might even be a virgin!"
That's a direct quote I told my best friends after meeting the narcissistic, pathological liar who ended up wreaking havoc on my life. If you have ever been close to one, you know the darkest side of hell and I am sure you wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know I wouldn't.
But how can it be? How can this seemingly sweet and innocent person turn out to be such a monster? What is it like to date a narcissistic, pathological liar? It can't really be that bad, can it?
For those of you who have been on the crazy train with one of these people, you are not alone! Those of you who have never seen this side of hell, here is a tiny glimpse into what it's like:
1.) You think more highly of them than you ought.
He said he was a sponsored skateboarder, he toured the world as a drum tech for a famous band, he owns a home in Huntington Beach, boats in Alaska and has a million dollar inheritance that was given to him. He is a master mechanic and can fix anything on your car. He has a private and commercial pilot's license and is going to fly you to New York where you've always wanted to go. His shoes he's wearing are one of a kind sent from his professional skateboarding friend, he loves to give mass amounts of money to the homeless and to charity. Every time he goes in public he is given things for free or at a discount because of how good looking he is... and on it goes.
2.) They always seem to have horrible luck.
And at first you might believe it. Or if you're extra slow like me, you believe it all the way until months after the break up! He is always injured or ill. There is always a freak accident at work resulting in stitches or surgery. His temperature frequently gets above 103 and he's miserable in bed. At least 8 of his very best friends have died. His ex has broken his nose... 4 TIMES! Through tears he sobs and tells you how she had an abortion with his child and how he's so torn up about it. Oh and she cheated on him! After treating you like garbage and cussing you out and locking you out of the house, he always comes back with one of these sob stories to explain why he got so upset.
Only later when you befriend the ex looking for someone who understands the hell you've been through do you find out there never was a broken nose, an abortion or cheating. Only when you see on his amazon account do you realize he himself ordered the said "one of a kind shoes." Only as time passes do you learn he doesn't have an inheritance, he isn't a pilot, he never toured the world as a drum tech, and on it goes. Stories for literal days.
3.) Those who haven't been as intimate with this person as you, will never believe you.
You just walked through the most hellish ordeal of your life and no one cares to hear your side of the story. Why? Because...
4.) He is a master manipulator!
The same way he fooled you, he fools them. If it took you to the end of a relationship to FINALLY understand this and you knew him more intimately than anyone, how do you expect anyone else to see through his bull? They won't. **Cue hunting down of his other ex's on fb.** They are the only ones who know the hell that has been your life.
5.) It's SO much worse if they are attractive.
What female won't fall for his sob story about how his ex was so abusive and cruel when his face looks like it was hand crafted by angels? His last ex fell for it... then you fell for it... so of course the next will too.
6.) Remember, the new girlfriend / boyfriend is a future friend.
Soon she too will see the truth and will probably find you on Facebook, desperate for someone to understand her after being isolated for so long - just like you did with the last ex. Before you know it, you'll have a little support group. It will be fun!
7.) They are going to ruin your reputation.
He's so broken and insecure he has to make himself look good at all times. Hence him always being a victim or a hero. Good people aren't allowed in the story besides him. Soooo that means your good heart is a problem. He's going to take advantage of it and reap the benefits of having someone so loving like you by his side. But he's going to tell everyone else your heart is black and cold. Your love is a nice benefit. But there's no room for it in the fantasy world he lives where he is always the victim.
8.) No one stands up to them.
He comes across as so sweet and innocent you really believe it's true. But then when you run into an issue with him and he is unreasonable and bullies you, you think "well, he is such a good guy... no one else seems to have a problem with him... maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I shouldn't take it so personally..." so no one says anything or ever confronts him.
9.) You never know where you stand.
The countless dating sites you caught him on are all "old" from before he met you and "you're crazy to think otherwise." The girl you found out he's been hanging out with behind your back is just his friends cousin and that's why she's there sometimes when he goes to see his friend. But you are all he ever wanted in a girlfriend. Through heart wrenching tears he professes his undying love to you when he knows you're getting ready to walk out. He says he will work on himself, go to counseling, start treating you better... until he doesn't. You didn't compliment his looks today so he explodes on you and breaks the custom picture frame of you and your daughter from your first Mother's Day. It's a constant roller coaster of crazy. You think "this time, he crossed the line. I am really leaving." But then he comes back with another heartfelt apology and sucks you in again.
10.) Their reputation is so much more important to them than their character.
He may steal your iPod and sell it for money because finances are so tight and then he'll lie to you about it and tell you it was probably his step sister; but the same month he will lend a few hundred dollars to his friends who can't pay rent. He will boast about how he gives homeless people a hundred dollars here and there but when your fridge is empty and you're saving the last drop of milk and the last few crumbs of cereal for the kids to have breakfast tomorrow, don't expect him to offer to help get groceries. He'll drop everything to help a stranger or a friend in need and give excessively at the expense of his own family. He does this because he needs to keep up the act. He needs people to believe he is this incredible saint of a man. And in case you ever get the courage to get away from him and you speak out on the abuse you've suffered at his hands, this helps automatically discredit your story because to everyone else, he is Jesus in human form.
11.) You will be okay.
It will take time. At first you'll sob and miss him. Then you'll be angry for the hell he put you through. You'll hate yourself wondering why you were so dumb you stuck around. You'll feel isolated when people you try to talk to about it side with him or downplay how bad the abuse was. Then you'll miss him. Then you'll decide to start taking care of yourself and move on. Then you'll miss him. Then, as time goes on, you'll get a little bit more clarity as to how broken of a person he really is. You'll have peace knowing you are a good person and you gave him more love than most could. You gave your entire soul to the relationship with nothing in return. You might go back and forth. You'll likely have good days and bad days. But as time passes, the bad days will get less and less. You'll eventually start smiling again. And the best part of it all, now you know the warning signs and you know you deserve to be treated so much better and hopefully you'll never settle again!
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